the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh god it's open bar.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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