I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
