last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
