i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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