Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
