After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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