I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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