Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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