Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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