last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
