I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
