i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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