she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
