So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize