don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize