he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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