i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
