Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
