Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
