I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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