my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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