I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
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