if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
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