apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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