Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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