Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
