just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
