i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
