Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I want her autograph on my taint
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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