Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
