Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize