so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
