I can tuck mytits in my pants
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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