couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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