To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
