I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
