So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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