So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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