when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
