If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
