apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
