I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
