How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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