I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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