Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize