Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my being single is dangerous.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
