i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
