Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
