Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
