I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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