either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
