All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
