it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
A bitchslap is in order.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
