can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
