i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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