I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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