dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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