So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
